using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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