my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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