the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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