What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
