all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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