she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
