Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
