Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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