At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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