Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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