Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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