dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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