You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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