When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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