If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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