So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
