not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
