Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
