there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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