Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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