I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We have started to decorate penises.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
how does that bad decision feel?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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