I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
