So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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