I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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