tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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