i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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