i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
