I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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