I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Randomize
