I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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