a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
