if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
