Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
