I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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