Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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