9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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