im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
