The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have feelings that need drinking.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
