after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
