Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
