Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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