Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
