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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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