The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
