i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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