oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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