You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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