I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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