oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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