remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize