I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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