I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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