I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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