so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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