There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
