new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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