i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
