it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize