I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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