I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
