Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
