It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've blown a few things in my day
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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