she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How external is "for external use only"?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
