I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
