that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
