New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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