omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
